Revelation

It's time to finally get over an obsession. I'm tired of fooling myself, thinking that fairytales can happen in real life because they can't. Everything has a place where it truly belongs. Story book endings and our world just don't seem to match - no matter what angle you try to look into.

Who is the zahir? Is he worth all the posts? all the time? all the stalking? Perhaps, he's not even close to being a prince. I don't know a thing about the guy though I was able to steal a photo of him from somewhere I prefer not to mention. Well, he's taken. My world and his don't match. We probably have nothing in common. It's time to let go and move on. I should start dreaming those things that are not very far from my grasp, don't you think?

Behold...

Jose Rafael "Rafa" Aboitiz

Recognize him? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. The zahir is a thing of the past - at least I know he must be. I have to grow up. 

So long!

Questions

For the past few days, this thought had been bothering me: "We all live to die..." No matter how I think of it, the sentence does make sense - that's why I'm currently disturbed. From that, many questions could arise. And, I'm afraid, I don't know yet of the right answers.

> Why were we all given the gift of life when it would just soon be taken away from us?
> Do we love to get hurt?
> Will we be remembered when we die?
> Will we die a few moments after we fulfill our mission in life? If so, would it be better, then, to not figure out the reason for our existence?

All these and more are confusing my little mind. I know it may seem pointless. But I write all my thoughts down. It's the only way I could be a little less stressed by this dilemma. I got a lot more important things to think of. May I be enlightened, somehow.

I know we'll all die. But, I don't want it to be too soon.

Welcome 2009

Happy New Year everyone!

2008 was a good year for me - primarily because I finished high school and that's an achievement. I wonder if this year's gonna be any better. Or, if I'm gonna be any better this year. You see, I make mistakes sometimes - well, that's a lie; all the time. Sometimes, life just confuses me and I end up following the wrong road.

I've always been intrigued by the so-called New Year's Resolution. During New Year's Eve, I always think of something about me that I want to change. And, I always end up with nothing - not because I think I'm perfectly comfortable with what I am, but because I just know that there's no way I could pull things off. It's hard to break a habit. What I've been doing all these years are a part of me. If I delete something, I would be another person - at least I think so.

So what does Scarlet really want to change? Simple. I want to grow up. I want to convince myself that I am a human being on earth. I've known that fact for the entirety of my existence. However, a part of me is still in denial. What do I have to do to wake myself up from its deep slumber in which it took the chance to wander around some mystical world?

Sometimes, being imaginative - and too positive that my imaginations would come true - becomes a part of my charm. It's like my signature. No one else I know does the imagining thing better than I do. A part of me wants that dimension of my personality to stay. But a part of me also wants to let go of it. The good thing about believing that dreams come true is that I am always hopeful, thus, I have a very good reason to live. On the flip side, it hurts me everytime a pigment of reality strikes (and that's just uncontrollable).

The dilemma continues. Here I go again. Is there something wrong with who I am? Is it alright to dream big? and hope your dreams would come true? Or is this just crap? And are you thinking right now that I just escaped from the psychiatric ward?

Answer me. Please.

Edward Cullen

When I see girls falling head over heels with Edward Cullen, I feel relieved. Looking at the situation, it's just the same as my obsession. However, I have an advantage because my zahir exists. Edward, on the other hand, is just a fictional character. Robert Pattinson is a real person, yes, I won't argue to that. But even if he brought life to Edward on the big screen, he is not - and in no way will ever be - Edward Cullen.

Perhaps, at this point, you could already tell that I'm not a very big fan of Twilight. I'm not saying that it sucks. But, it's just another vampire love story - nothing more, nothing less. I know I'm a big fan of fairytale stories. But, fiction stories like this just doesn't appeal to me so much. I don't judge a book according to reality basis. It's on how much I learn from every page of it.

I don't want to talk about Twilight here. People are probably going to hate me. Once again, my zahir is nothing like Edward Cullen. He's not a vampire. He's not pale-skinned. He doesn't glow under the sun. And, he's real.

But when all is said and done, the bottom line is still the same. Sometimes, we just fall in love the wrong persons - could be someone trapped in a fictional novel, an out of this world creature, or simply, a guy from a well-renowned family who may seem so close, yet so far.

Sick

I'm not sick - literally. It's what I'm doing that's sick - like, crazy sick. What's with me and crushing on guys I haven't even met. My zahir, for instance, is handsome, smart, and all that. But, I actually have no clue of what he is as a person. Does he have a good sense of humor? Is he thoughtful? Too many questions, and I have nothing to answer.

Besides the zahir, I also have a crush on several other people - celebrities. Why am I like this? Oh I wish I could explain myself. I always want a fairytale story to happen to me. I'm not a little kid anymore. But admit it, a part of us would always love to have our own happily ever after. I know this might just be as ambitious as wanting to be queen of the world or president of the United States (which is completely impossible because I'm not even from the US).

I'm torn between my hopes and my reality. I've always been a dreamer. I continue to live because of my hope of making my dreams come true and be genuinely happy - for once in my life. Letting go of my fantasy-lover personality would make me a different person. But I know I have to be strong enough to give up all my aspirations and live my life - which is absolutely not the same as the life of Cinderella or Barbie.

When would I accept the fact that the earth is where I belong and fairytale stories have to remain in fiction books? I'm not a princess. If I were to find a prince, he won't be riding on a white horse. This is not wonderland nor fairytopia or whatever.

Maybe, I'm sick - idiomatically. Will someone please give me a reality check? Trust me, I need it more than food.

My Zahir

Paulo Coelho said that a zahir is like an obsession. Well, there's a more complicated description for the word, but, I like simple things better. And, I think that the word 'zahir' sounds really cool, so I thought I could use it to refer to someone I've been kinda stalking for the past few days.

He's gorgeous. He's hot. He's handsome. He's everything a girl could ever wish for. And that's just an understatement. The funny thing is I've never seen him in person and I doubt that I ever will. In simple terms, he doesn't know I exist. And, no, he's not a celebrity or any famous figure in Hollywood. But he is rich - only by knowing his family name, I could already tell.

So how did I come to know of his existence? It was last summer. See, my cousin works for their company. In her computer, there's a photo of their family and she showed it to me. They were like models because they all looked beautiful. Never have I imagined of a family that charming. And HE happened to be a part of the family. Yes, he's my cousin's boss' son - totally out of my reach.

Since that day, I started to search for him on the web. But there were only a few results - most of them are from newspaper articles about the goals he made for his team during soccer games. That was a lead. I found out he was an athlete. A couple of my classmates played soccer too. They happened to have seen him play and said he looked even better in person. I was so envious of them. And for a second, I actually thought of learning soccer. How ridiculous!

I found it insane to fall for a guy because of one picture. So, I wanted to search for more pictures. To my dismay, there was only one. After hours of searching in google, I found a picture of him when he was judging some beauty pageant. Discontented, I searched for him from different sites like myspace, hi5, and friendster. He was not a member of any. I asked my cousin if HE had myspace, and she told me to try facebook.

I didn't have a facebook account. But, look at what 'love' can do. I signed up. I looked him up and...bingo! Found him. Sent a friend request. Didn't accept it. How rude! But it doesn't end there. I also added his sister. She sent me a message, asking if she knew me from somewhere. I played cool, said no and that I didn't know her either. I lied. But I thought it was better than confessing that I have a huge crush on her brother.

Months passed and I never typed in his name in any search engine. Come November and I searched for his school. Robert Louis Stevenson School '08 and Santa Clara '12 - those were the only information I could get from facebook since he wouldn't add me. Found them. And they're very wonderful schools. Another lead - he's really smart. I could tell because I looked up the admission tab in SCU and you'd really need high SAT scores to get admitted.

December came. It's Christmas break. I'm at home, and bored. Multiply came into my mind. I searched for him. There was no result. I searched for his younger sister. Luckily, she has an account. I think she's inactive already, though. There were loads of pictures of him - him with friends, him with family, and him kissing a girl (a different girl in a different album). For a minute in there, I wanted to break down and cry. I felt like my heart was being crushed. But let's face it, what could you expect from a teenage guy?

On one photo, his other sister posted a comment. I viewed her page and saw more pictures of him. At any angle, he was dreamy. I must say, he's way better than any fictional character. If I were to write a novel about love and turn it into a movie, he'd be the lead actor - if he says no, there'd be no movie.

Introduce Myself

I guess I should start by saying: I prefer not to make my real identity known. Nonsense, you may think. And in case you were wondering, no, it has never occurred to me that a lot of people would actually read all the crap I post. I mean, it's just me - why would they even bother?

However, the idea of being labeled was never appealing to me. So, just call me Scarlet. A family name is of no necessity, I suppose. Plus, I might just get myself into huge trouble if I attempt to use one falsely. And, a last name basis is too formal - it's what we use in school (and I don't like it very much).

Anyway, this blog is nothing more than an extension of my journal. A lot of things have been happening to me these days. Lately, I realized that I talk to myself more often than usual - even when I'm not in front of the mirror. Also, my thoughts have been flying to strange different places and I'm unable to concentrate on anything I do.

There's nothing like writing - or shall I say, typing - that helps me pour out my thoughts. There's a world inside my head that is waiting to come into existence. I thought it might be a good idea to type them all in so I could laugh at myself as hard as I could when I reread everything I've written once I manage to overcome this crazy obsession of making my imagination a real situation.